Episode 1: Beg, Barter and Steal
By Car84
Submitted, for your approval, the unofficial minutes of Episode 1.
Disclaimer: a) entertainment sometimes (but not often) trumps truth, b) no evil meant because deep down, I know these people are probably good folks, and I appreciate what they are doing.
An eager world first sees the cast of Survivor – Pearl Islands on the goodship Rembrandt van Rijn, as it floats in waters teeming with fishes of all sorts, whales – and several cameramen. The sixteen, who we see for the first and last time with their mouths closed, are under the impression that they needed to be dressed for publicity photos. That explains their chosen attire, which, barring any shopping spree award challenges, will indeed cloak them during the entire run of publicity that will be brought to us every Thursday evening throughout the foreseeable future.
Jeff tells the group that, in the past, Survivors were allowed to go through their luggage and pick out “a few essential items” to take along for the game. But, he explains, this time HE went through their bags and decided that only their tennis shoes were essential – “for a fighting chance” in the challenges. He asks Nicole, who was dressed in a rather fashionable dress that resembled blue sausage casing, if she had anything on underneath. So went the first of many references to indecent exposure. But who’s counting?
And then it was time to hand over passports, jewelry, bearer bonds, and other personal items that weren’t intended for the main journey, and for the sixteen to be split into the two tribes thusly -
Drake: Shawn, Christa, Rupert (Christa’s “big old hippie”), Trish, Burton, Michelle, Johnny Fair Play, and Sandra. Morgan: Darrah, Osten, Lillian, Ryan S., Tijuana (Osten’s “Nubian princess”), Ryan O., Nicole, and Andrew.
Sure hands on both teams catch their bag of 100 Balboas and a map to their island, despite Jeff’s best efforts to toss these items overboard. The 16 are given a brief description of a nearby village, the good news that it’s market day, and a stern warning that they must gather their provisions promptly and reach their island by sundown.
And then, they’re off. Shawn, the first to jump in, easily won the diving competition with a perfect jack-knife dive. Most of the women chose the feet-first arms-down dive – a low degree of difficulty to go with a low probability of being forcibly undressed.
Later, Osten reflected on his experience in the water. This occurred, oh, at about the time the captain of the virtually-shipwrecked Rembrandt van Rijn was making progress on the large bottle of Canadian Club Whiskey that Osten had brought along (for product placement purposes only, please understand) and had to give up. It was a minor miracle that Osten, with as much body fat as your common brick, could stay afloat, much less swim.
The teams progressed to, and eventually staggered onto, the shores of a quaint Panamanian village.
Rupert, who does not look like the short-burst-of-energy guy that he actually is, flopped his “spent” body on Drake’s raft. At about the time I thought he was useless, Team Morgan thoughtlessly left their raft alongside Drake’s. Rupert, who does look like the cagey pirate that he actually is, became very useful and plundered Morgan’s raft of booty. “Pirates pillage. Pirates steal. Pirates take advantage.”
Morgan’s negligence and disarray didn’t begin and end with the raft faux pas. As Ryan S. later reflected, they had no game plan, no unity, and in the case of Osten, virtually no clothes. You see, team player Osten, bartered down to his Abercrombie & Fitch undies. He suggested to Nicole, Lillian, and Darrah that they could maybe show some booby to get some booty. They said they didn’t like that idea.
But only they know if they tried.
Meanwhile, Drake was capitalizing on Sandra’s knowledge of the Spanish language. To John’s amazement, she was wheeling and dealing with the locals. She even took time out to play matchmaker with Trish and an aroused woman shopkeeper who “wanted her eyes.” The best deal brokered by Sandra was an exchange of her gold necklace for an entire BBQ’d chicken dinner spread, including the foil, condiments, knives, cutting board, and who-knows-what. Her last words to the new owner of the gold chain were reported to be, “No, our boat isn’t big enough for more.”
In contrast, Morgan left with money in their pockets and envy in their hearts. The villagers were happy to see this pushy bunch go. Later that day, they beached with no fanfare and continued to be disjointed.
Drake celebrated upon their arrival at camp. But all was not tranquil. The Coconut Milk Alliance of Burton, Shawn, and Michelle formed as Sandra watched dumbfounded, put off by their lack of sharing a bat’s bladder’s worth of liquid with the others. They found their water source and the mosquitoes found them. It seems skeeter repellant was not on their shopping list.
Completely unaware that a water well was on their map as well, the entire cast of Morgan set off to consider, evaluate, and describe their candidate water sources. One looked like beer, according to Ryan S. Lillian ruled that, based on her experience with her Boy Scout troop, it would take exactly 42 hours of boiling to get that water to the point of still not being drinkable.
Later that night, the Morgan women squealed from being pinched - mostly by crabs.
Meanwhile, Drake was enjoying actual adult beverages. John came out of his shell. And the others liked it for an instant or two. Rupert likened John to the troubled teens that he mentors. John likened John to everyone’s kind of guy.
Day Two dawns. The Drakes evaluate their clothing situation. Rupert paints a disturbing mental picture when he describes the worst ill effects of wearing his best denim jeans in hot tropical conditions. A few scissor snips later, long story short, both he and Christa are wearing skirts. “I’m wearin’ a dress. I’m never gonna put them pants back on,” Rupert vows in another rather quotable moment.
Tijuana finds the water well on the map. Her job done, Ryan S. and Lillian are dispatched to find the source. Lillian confides in Ryan S. that she is not at peace with the world because she’s no longer in regulation Boy Scout dress. Shirt not tucked in. The buff is a foreign insignia. No way will the boys back home in Cincinnati, Ohio understand. But, she found the water, and earned a new badge in the process.
Clay is snoring. The bats are rustling. Tanya is laughing. Jan, too, is laughing, and then bursts into tears. Helen marvels at how that much sound can come from someone who can afford to have something done about his snoring problem.
Rupert! Wake up! You’re having a terrible dream! That was Episode 2 of Survivor 5!
Burton commented that HE doesn’t like to lay around snoring, so he picked up the spear. Off he went with side-kick Burton to harvest one fish – enough perhaps for the Coconut Milk Alliance. Somehow sensing the tribe needed more food, Rupert ruined the days of almost enough fish to ensure each tribe member had one whole fish each. Shawn observed that Rupert took hours to recover from his fishing expedition.
Guten Morgan on Day Three. Ryan S., Darrah, and Nicole retrieve “tree mail” from a chest. It reads: “You finally arrived, and so now it’s on. Your first challenge is a test of your brains and your brawn. Like pirates of old it’s the treasure you thirst. But no booty will be had, if you’re voted out first.” Andrew is crowned King, and expresses unbridled and unfounded optimism about their chances as a team. And, it’s off to Snapping Duck Bay, where ...
... Jeff explains that, in the days of old, pirates often had to pick up and move stage prop artillery pieces that come apart so they can be threaded through fences, and then rolled through fields of rocks, pulled along soft sand beaches to the special place where pirates and their artillery piece assemble and are declared winners. The modern day prize is revealed: The Immunity Idol, which is a shrunken skull perched on the pike of a halberd.
Awfully neat, if you ask me.
Drake pulled out to an early lead. At one point, they even took the time to replace logs in the way of Morgan. In the rock garden, Osten developed a problem with his shorts that required a little more than a few trowels of spackle to cover up. Based on a solidarity pact devised by a prescient King Andrew, he and Shawn took off their shorts as well. And it was planks and pouches the rest of the way. The CBS blotch crew was working overtime on these guys. And, being an alert group, they took appropriate measures to keep things decent with Tijuana, whose skirt wasn’t exactly suffering from the effects of gravity.
Fittingly, the caption of “Morgan Behind” appeared on the screen as they continued to trail a fully clothed Drake squad. Drake faltered in the soft sand. Morgan, wearing tennis shoes after all, passed them. Drake passed Morgan. It was so exciting. You had to be there. Drake wins. Rupert poses cheek-to-cheekbone with the Immunity Idol in a picture suitable for the Survivor Hall of Fame. (Check it out, and you’ll agree.)
Drake has the axe. And Morgan speculates who will fall under it. Lillian and Ryan S. get water and make fire, but anyone can do that. Nicole wants to make water on Tijuana and get her fired. Tijuana finds out and launches a counter-attack. The others appear to be safe.
Jeff presides over a lively and informative Tribal Council. Nicole hedges on the question of whether she has made any friends. Osten has no regrets about getting nekkie. They beam at their elected leader King Andrew, who broadsides Ryan S. when asked if anyone is not pulling his or her weight.
In their first demonstration of unity and teamwork, Morgan voted off massage therapist Nicole 7 to 1. Her comment, as she cast the sole dissenting vote (for Ryan S.) was that she knew others were voting for him. Wrong. Gone.
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